"Mommy watch me!" Finn yells at me as he does a summersault on the lawn.
"Mommy I have a present for you! Guess what it is!" I lean down "what is it honey?" he wraps his warm little arms around me in a tight bear hug. "I love you mommy! to the moon and back!" How I relish these words. Rely on these memories.
"Look Mommy God is painting the sky, that is why it is so pretty huh"
I think of all the times I let these words slip by without listening. Regretting not cherishing every single moment I had with my precious son. These thoughts swim through my mind as the tears pour down my cheeks. Then the anger hits again. "Why?!" why did I have to lose my most precious gift.
"I am sorry your son didn't make it. The smoke was more than his little lungs could handle. He passed away the night of the fire, Your body was so badly burned we had to keep you in a medically induced coma. The pain was putting so much strain on your heart. " Always at this point in my mind I hear Benson begin to sob "Callie I wanted to wake you up so bad... let you see his little face one more time before we buried him. But...we just couldn't." He wraps his arms around me and sobs into my shoulder. I just feel cold and dead inside. I will never gaze into those beautiful blue eyes ever again. For his tiny little body is buried deep within the darkness of the earth. The hardest part to believe is that it was 2 weeks ago all this happened. The last thing I remember was clutching his small body to my chest as we leapt to safety and it was going to be okay....he was okay!!!!
I let out a scream of anguish as I open my eyes. 'When does the pain go away?' how can my heart possibly handle it? Every moment I feel as though it will break or that my whole body with just explode into tiny pieces. Part of me wishes for this. One thing that is for certain is my whole body aches for Finns small body snuggled into my own as we lay here together. I get up out of bed and run out of the room screaming....."Ben!!!!"