Fire and Air Cont.

"Mommy watch me!" Finn yells at me as he does a summersault on the lawn.

"Mommy I have a present for you! Guess what it is!" I lean down "what is it honey?" he wraps his warm little arms around me in a tight bear hug. "I love you mommy! to the moon and back!"  How I relish these words. Rely on these memories.

"Look Mommy God is painting the sky, that is why it is so pretty huh"

I think of all the times I let these words slip by without listening.  Regretting not cherishing every single moment I had with my precious son. These thoughts swim through my mind as the tears pour down my cheeks. Then the anger hits again. "Why?!"  why did I have to lose my most precious gift.

"I am sorry your son didn't make it. The smoke was more than his little lungs could handle. He passed away the night of the fire, Your body was so badly burned we had to keep you in a medically induced coma. The pain was putting so much strain on your heart. " Always at this point in my mind I hear Benson begin to sob "Callie I wanted to wake you up so bad... let you see his little face one more time before we buried him. But...we just couldn't." He wraps his arms around me and sobs into my shoulder. I just feel cold and dead inside. I will never gaze into those beautiful blue eyes ever again. For his tiny little body is buried deep within the darkness of the earth. The hardest part to believe is that it was 2 weeks ago all this happened. The last thing I remember was clutching his small body to my chest as we leapt to safety and it was going to be okay....he was okay!!!!

I let out a scream of anguish as I open my eyes.  'When does the pain go away?' how can my heart possibly handle it? Every moment I feel as though it will break or that my whole body with just explode into tiny pieces. Part of me wishes for this. One thing that is for certain is my whole body aches for Finns small body snuggled into my own as we lay here together.  I get up out of bed and run out of the room screaming....."Ben!!!!" 

Fire and Air

Running, My body runs mindlessly as I struggle to catch my breath. The smoke around me chokes my lungs. My mouth hangs open in a silent scream. I can feel my muscles straining trying to pull oxygen from the air, but its useless. My foot kicks something in the dark. A small grunt comes from the mound on the floor. Panic fills my heart. It  feels like my heart was being ripped from my chest. "Finn," My arms reach for the tiny body laying in front of me. I pick up his small frame hug him to my chest and begin to run again. "I thought I was the only one in the house." the thought runs frantically through my head. I push it down. There is nothing else I can do, I have to get out.

I can see flames in front of me. Which means fresh air. I stop, giving my legs a second of reprieve.  I try desperately to see through the smoke and flames to find a place to escape. Then I see a flash of light cross a window to my right. I look around for anything to take the blow. But there is nothing. I don't have any time so  I just go for it. I tuck Finn as close to my body as I can, and run. As my body closes in on the window I turn my shoulder and duck my head. A flash of pain rushes through my body as it comes in contact with the window. The deafening sound of glass shattering pierces my ears. I trip and we tumble through the gaping hole.  We are followed by the hungry flames as they devour the fresh air we have allowed inside. I tuck and roll as I hit the ground trying desperately to protect Finn. But as I roll I hear a sickening snap and he screams out in pain. My mind can take it no longer, air I just need air! My eyes close as I slip from this nightmare into the darkness of my mind.




hmm thats what came out as i sat to write...

I have not wrote in a while, Time to get back into it. I never know what to write about, this part is hard for me. Every once in a while I will have inspiration and the words flow from my head to my fingers. When this happens I wonder why I don't write more. It is so easy and brings me such peace of mind. But connecting the dots is where the words are so often lost.
So any ideas thoughts requests? what do I write about? what do you want to read?

Need some input on this one. Thanks.
In memory of SFC James Thode.

The shot rings out

it chills my soul and runs across my skin,

My body aches

my heart does break

as a friend returns to the earth.

Again they fire,

chills rush my soul, as guilt washes over me,

To be grateful that this folded flag

will not pass white gloved to me.

The final blast of rifle volleys

I pray to god for her.

for tears and pain will pave the path,

till she's back with him once more.

The still of quiet holds the air

we remember that all was given

I thank the lord for the time and knowledge,

of knowing who the world has lost.

Raining out my window,

it spatters on the screen,

wind blows in the willow,

making ropes of green.

It falls upon the brown grass

soaking in so deep

come erase my dreaming

put me back to sleep

To sleep alone is lonely

wrap me in your arms

but tis not true in waking

the blankets keep me warm.

I turn and look at lashes

that fall on cheeks so sweet

when they open softly

innocence of blue I meet

I hold you in my arms

pull you in so tight

the closeness of my babies

keeps me through the night. 

The sunshine pulls me upward

from dreams of loving true

memories return slowly

as my hand reaches out for you.

Morning

     I wake up to the buzzing of my phone. 6 am again. My body whines and wants to just go back to sleep. I know this is but a small step for my day to go good. I want so badly to get back into a routine. I need it for my sanity. The kids need a mom who is happy and functioning. I remind myself of all these things to give me the strength to get out of bed.
     I slip out from under the covers softly. I am careful not to wake the peaceful sleeping form next to me. When my weight is off the bed and on my feet, I gaze back at my beauitful little angel. Her long dark lashes rest gently closed. She has the sweetest little chubby cheeks. But with these glances I feel the familiar ache, crush through my body. "Oh how I wish her daddy was her to soak up all her tiny, precious, beauty."
     I stop this thought in its tracks, self pity and sadness is not a good way to start the day. I walk into the next room to listen for the soft breathing of her older brother. The momentary panic hits when I cant hear his breathing. Then he lets out a sigh and I know that everything is okay. The relief is always strong, but the panic never completely goes away. There is always this deep fear, a part of motherhood rooted in the terrors of "what ifs."
     I walk back into the living room and fall to my knees in prayer. I beg Heavenly Father for help and guidance to get me through the day. Then with tears in my eyes and heart I beg for safety, and for his spirit to watch over my Ronnie. I always express my gratitude for my precious babies and the privilege I have of being their mother. As I finish my prayer I can feel the calm blessing of the spirit wash over my soul. This feeling always strengthens me, making me so grateful for my faith.
     I get to my feet and walk into the bathroom. I turn on the light and look straight into the mirror at my piercing blue eyes. They are full of determination and tears, I wipe these away roughly. In a firm voice I say out loud,"Catharine you are strong. You are Beautiful. I can do this!" Then I turn away. My counselor says this is something I must do. But I wonder to myself if this is actually helping me. But hey, its worth a try.
     I walk to the kitchen. As I walk I notice that I do feel more confident and ready to face the day. I smile and start to whistle softly. Whistling makes things more fun, but it also brings a touch of sadness to my heart. Whistling comes from Grandma Brown.
     I open the fridge and freezer, and pull out the ingredients for my fresh fruit smoothie. This is really the best way to start the day. The Blender motor bogs down with to many frozen fruits, I day dream about getting a new one. But that will have to wait. A girl can dream though.
     I pour the smoothie into a glass. I pull out a stool at the bar and sit down. I pick up my ipod and open it to my scriptures. I always have to convince myself that I want to read them. Which is silly because I am never disappointed by what I learn, or the positive effect it has on my day. So I read, as I sip my smoothie and wait for the day.
     As I work the last drops from the bottom of the cup I remember, I need to do my exercises. So I rinse my glass and go up to the living room. I get down on my hands and knees. I let out a short sigh and then remind myself that one, I want a fit body. Two, Routine is good for me, and three that I really need the endorphin boost.
     I kick my feet out into plank and tighten my core muscles. Then I lower myself down to a ninety degree angle. My arms push against the ground through my hands back to plank. "Thats one."  I do ten more. My arms are a little shaky and I feel weak. A feeling of loss runs through me, as it always does when I remember how good of shape I could be in. If I put in the time, I could have that body again. But time is not something I am very good at utilizing. After my push-ups I do crunches. I lift weights with my arms amazed at how little weight it takes for me to get a good work out. I do froggy jumps reaching my arms high towards the ceiling. In only ten reps my legs can barely lift me back to standing this definitely needs more work. I end with an oblique workout and light stretching.
     The exercises take less than fifteen minutes. It feels good to get moving. Exercise gives me a boost and helps me feel better about life in general. These positive effects are what keeps me coming back for more. I head back over to the computer to see if Ronnie has logged onto Skype. When I sit down I hear movement in the other room.  Kaden my two year old is waking up. I listen quietly for the words that signal he is really awake.  "Mom, I am hungry." I smile. This happens every morning. I walk into his bedroom and get a hug from my first born. I relish in the feeling as his strong little arms wrap around my neck. "I love you momma." These words melt my heart. I squeeze him in tight, soaking up all his morning cuteness. "Thats to tight" he says. So I let go and pull my head back and just stare into his sweet innocent eyes. He is my best friend, and one of the best things that has ever happened to me. There is nothing better than the love of you child.

"Click"

     Clicking in the first time is hard. You feel trapped. Anxiety builds in the pit of your stomach, making it harder to react correctly. Then you start forward pushing on the pedals. "Wow this is really easy," you think. You feel the different muscles being flexed as you pull up. Then the normal motion of pushing follows. You ride forward, a little wobbly at first. But at the top of the hill is a stop sign and there is a car coming. So you try to stop,and remember I need to unclip. You make the motion but it doesn't work. So then it hits you. "Oh crap it wont unclip" But at this point there is really nothing you can do but brace yourself, As the world tips and you crash into the hard unforgiving pavement. Your bike crunches along with you, but lets face it this is not the pressing matter. You have just fallen over like a 3 year old just learning to ride. This is embarrassing enough in itself. But Murphy says there will be at least 3 people watching. So as you squirm around on the ground attached to your bike, trying to figure out how to get out of this crazy trap. You can at least find comfort in the fact that, it happens to everyone. So you climb back on the bike laughing at yourself and trying not to limp. You put on a good face as you wave off the "crowd" that is staring at you.
    The next hard part is, you have to convince yourself to clip back in. Knowing this exact thing really might happen again. Possibly right after your re-attached. But this is something you want to do. Your heart is pounding and you have that nasty, tingly "cortisol shot" running through your body, which was left behind by the embarrassment, pain, and adrenaline. The words run through your head. "You have to get back on the horse after it throws you."
     So you clip back in one shoe and begin to pedal, frantically trying to get the other shoe to also clip in. Your whole body is shaking, this makes it very hard to ride straight. This makes it even harder to clip the stupid, tiny, little clip into the pedal. Finally you succeed. Your thinking about how everyone back there is probably laughing at you. But the dreaded event has now happened. In the peace of this thought it hits you again that "pedaling is so much easier clipped in". Your knee throbs... But hey a scab is well worth the gain.