Morning

     I wake up to the buzzing of my phone. 6 am again. My body whines and wants to just go back to sleep. I know this is but a small step for my day to go good. I want so badly to get back into a routine. I need it for my sanity. The kids need a mom who is happy and functioning. I remind myself of all these things to give me the strength to get out of bed.
     I slip out from under the covers softly. I am careful not to wake the peaceful sleeping form next to me. When my weight is off the bed and on my feet, I gaze back at my beauitful little angel. Her long dark lashes rest gently closed. She has the sweetest little chubby cheeks. But with these glances I feel the familiar ache, crush through my body. "Oh how I wish her daddy was her to soak up all her tiny, precious, beauty."
     I stop this thought in its tracks, self pity and sadness is not a good way to start the day. I walk into the next room to listen for the soft breathing of her older brother. The momentary panic hits when I cant hear his breathing. Then he lets out a sigh and I know that everything is okay. The relief is always strong, but the panic never completely goes away. There is always this deep fear, a part of motherhood rooted in the terrors of "what ifs."
     I walk back into the living room and fall to my knees in prayer. I beg Heavenly Father for help and guidance to get me through the day. Then with tears in my eyes and heart I beg for safety, and for his spirit to watch over my Ronnie. I always express my gratitude for my precious babies and the privilege I have of being their mother. As I finish my prayer I can feel the calm blessing of the spirit wash over my soul. This feeling always strengthens me, making me so grateful for my faith.
     I get to my feet and walk into the bathroom. I turn on the light and look straight into the mirror at my piercing blue eyes. They are full of determination and tears, I wipe these away roughly. In a firm voice I say out loud,"Catharine you are strong. You are Beautiful. I can do this!" Then I turn away. My counselor says this is something I must do. But I wonder to myself if this is actually helping me. But hey, its worth a try.
     I walk to the kitchen. As I walk I notice that I do feel more confident and ready to face the day. I smile and start to whistle softly. Whistling makes things more fun, but it also brings a touch of sadness to my heart. Whistling comes from Grandma Brown.
     I open the fridge and freezer, and pull out the ingredients for my fresh fruit smoothie. This is really the best way to start the day. The Blender motor bogs down with to many frozen fruits, I day dream about getting a new one. But that will have to wait. A girl can dream though.
     I pour the smoothie into a glass. I pull out a stool at the bar and sit down. I pick up my ipod and open it to my scriptures. I always have to convince myself that I want to read them. Which is silly because I am never disappointed by what I learn, or the positive effect it has on my day. So I read, as I sip my smoothie and wait for the day.
     As I work the last drops from the bottom of the cup I remember, I need to do my exercises. So I rinse my glass and go up to the living room. I get down on my hands and knees. I let out a short sigh and then remind myself that one, I want a fit body. Two, Routine is good for me, and three that I really need the endorphin boost.
     I kick my feet out into plank and tighten my core muscles. Then I lower myself down to a ninety degree angle. My arms push against the ground through my hands back to plank. "Thats one."  I do ten more. My arms are a little shaky and I feel weak. A feeling of loss runs through me, as it always does when I remember how good of shape I could be in. If I put in the time, I could have that body again. But time is not something I am very good at utilizing. After my push-ups I do crunches. I lift weights with my arms amazed at how little weight it takes for me to get a good work out. I do froggy jumps reaching my arms high towards the ceiling. In only ten reps my legs can barely lift me back to standing this definitely needs more work. I end with an oblique workout and light stretching.
     The exercises take less than fifteen minutes. It feels good to get moving. Exercise gives me a boost and helps me feel better about life in general. These positive effects are what keeps me coming back for more. I head back over to the computer to see if Ronnie has logged onto Skype. When I sit down I hear movement in the other room.  Kaden my two year old is waking up. I listen quietly for the words that signal he is really awake.  "Mom, I am hungry." I smile. This happens every morning. I walk into his bedroom and get a hug from my first born. I relish in the feeling as his strong little arms wrap around my neck. "I love you momma." These words melt my heart. I squeeze him in tight, soaking up all his morning cuteness. "Thats to tight" he says. So I let go and pull my head back and just stare into his sweet innocent eyes. He is my best friend, and one of the best things that has ever happened to me. There is nothing better than the love of you child.